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An introduction

November 29, 2010

So, if you want the mini-story, check out the description on the right. To summarize the summary, I need a place to write more about me and less about my hobbies. I’ll just go ahead and get started.

I am not a thin girl. I am not even an average-size girl by any stretch of the imagination. I am instead what you would call fat. And I say that without attaching any stigma or connotation to the word. I mean, as far as women and girls go, I’ve always been on the big side, even when I was younger (and thinner). I mean, I’m 5’11”-ish with a large frame anyway. Put me in pictures with other girls and my head has always been larger, my shoulders broader, my feet approaching Bigfoot status. (As a side note, many thanks to Barefoot Tess for existing.)

So, I ended up doing the whole “bad fatty” thing and eating horribly. Mickey D’s, Hardee’s, anything with a drive-thru window was fair game on a nightly basis. I really only knew how to make horribly fatty foods (spaghetti loaded with sausage, pasta in cream sauces, you know the drill). So I really did myself no favors there.

My mother bugged me for years about my weight (look, I’m sorry I wasn’t a cheerleader and an athlete like she was), so I eventually just said “screw it,” and gave the whole diet thing a shot.

Now, the diet industry (yeah, I said industry) as a whole disgusts me. They profit off women (because it is mostly women) who hate their bodies and, for the most part, don’t do a damn thing to create a change that lasts past the day you stop using their products. They can claim that they do all day, and they can put on the whole “helpful” façade, but really. Stop kidding yourselves.

But I needed my mom off my back, so I went in on it. Or really, she did. Like I would pay for that. (Would? More like could. I am quite the jobless woman, unless you want to hire me.) I used what I hated. And I got results. Notice the past tense there.

I have tastebuds. They crave deliciousness. This was not the path to delicious food. Add that to the fact that grad school is making me lazy beyond all belief, and that’s really just a recipe for failure. And I wouldn’t call myself a complete failure. But I have given up in favor of just plain not being miserable. One of these days, I’ll just be able to concentrate fully on this and actually exercise, but I feel like that day won’t be back for a while.

Meanwhile, my husband goes off and does all of this. And while his level of willpower (heh) is amazing, I just find myself worrying about him. Is he literally working himself to the bone? I mean, I used to have this man I could actually cuddle up to at night, and now…well, it’s like a sack of bones. I mean, is losing like, seven pounds in a week even that healthy? And he’s at the gym so much. I get lonely sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time.

Not to mention that my self-esteem has kinda plummeted. I mean, look at him, and look at me. (Well, you can’t look at me here, but you get what I mean.) Can someone who looks like him, someone who is bound to be attracting more female attention than usual, can he still be interested in me when a veritable meat market is probably willing to make itself available? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll know for quite a while. I’m hoping that the answer is yes, but whether it is or not – the anxiety’s still there.

I could probably go on. But I probably need to concentrate on figuring out how to feel like myself again, because I’m so tired that I don’t. It’s not like I work like a madwoman. It’s not just that school is exhausting (I am taking more credits than the usual graduate student due to lack of gainful employment, after all). It might not even be that I’m not back to eating things that didn’t come out of a Diet Company cardboard box. Actually, I just don’t know what it is. That’s what scares me.

But for tonight, I can hazard a guess – it’s 4 a.m. I think it’s time to join my bag of bones and hit the sack.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Liv permalink
    November 29, 2010 1:02 pm

    A few thoughts.

    It might be a long shot and I know just because it happened to me doesn’t mean it is the same with you, but the tiredness and things like that could be related to a thyroid problem. I’m hopefully about to start a new medication for mine. The first didn’t really help with my weight, but I think hopefully the new one will.

    At Agnes I was one of the healthiest eaters out of the group I was with, but I was still the heaviest. The only time I did lose weight (still was technically overweight but at least not obese anymore) was when I broke my eating down to nothing and worked out every day for hours. That led into an eating disorder, which was fun while it lasted. But I don’t think that I should have to do destructive things to my body in order to be a “healthy” weight (which I didn’t even manage to get down to anyway). It is very frustrating.

    But, that being said, I eat stuff that tastes good that isn’t diet food. I hate all diet crap as well, none of it really works for a normal lifestyle. The only problem is the tasty good for you stuff is usually a little more expensive. But another benefit is that when I’m eating healthy food, I feel better. I notice if I start eating poorly for a while I start feeling super crappy and quickly try to curb it. My particular body might not lose a lot of weight for whatever reason eating healthy stuff, but I feel more alert and less lethargic. That might help with your tiredness. Just including more fresh green foods in place of heavier stuff. There is some interesting stuff related to Ayurvedic medicine you might check out. Just adding little things, not following everything to a T, can help.

    I know this is some of the stuff you see over and over on the internet, and it sounds like I’m just regurgitating it all, but some of it is true I think. Just have to weed through the crap. And make sure you get 7.5 to 8 hours of sleep, I see you twittering about all these things you do and I wonder how you have enough hours in the day. Anyway, it’s not like I’ve got it all figured out either (very few things figured out in fact), but I’ve been and am still in a similar boat to you (except without a newly buff husband) so I just want to both try to help and commiserate.

    • November 29, 2010 4:18 pm

      I’ve been tested for thyroid problems probably about five times. Every time – nothing. I know I’ve got PCOS, so that messes with me a lot and pretty much has me pre-diabetic, so losing anything in the first place is a challenge.

      My main problem is that I really don’t like vegetables too much. Carrots, cabbage, corn, cauliflower – all gross me out. I’m mostly into anything I’d put on a pizza. Except broccoli and lettuce. I like those and they’re not approaching my pizza. I figure if I actually liked vegetables, I’d have a much easier time of it. But even making healthy food just amounts to me baking/grilling chicken and having veggies on the side. Which also gets old.

      And I don’t have enough hours in the day. I love sleeping too much to lose that much of it, though.

  2. Liv permalink
    November 29, 2010 6:20 pm

    Yeah, I think I have PCOS too, unfort.

    I don’t go too much for cabbage either and corn and cauliflower have their place. I have an iffy relationship with carrots as well. But how about bell peppers (red, orange, yellow, green), zucchini and squash, green beans, sweet potatoes or yams, celery, kale, spinach, radishes, tomatoes, cucumbers, artichoke, chickpeas, asparagus, leeks, onions in addition to your broccoli and lettuce? And those are just vegetables, there are plenty more fruits too that make tasty meals as well.

    I don’t know if you like soup, but it is pretty easy to throw a bunch of vegetables in a pot with some crushed tomato or chicken broth and add some spices, maybe a can of chicken or some lean ground beef or turkey and make something very tasty that doesn’t “taste” like vegetables. I think what I’m trying to say is, you can hide them in things, haha.

    But I’m pretty boring when I eat, mainly I eat salads with some kind of meat or other protein on top. I do like making soup, and smoothies are good with thawed out frozen fruit and yogurt. Pasta doesn’t seem to stick with me very much and I feel it is a fake food because it doesn’t really taste like anything, so I tend to avoid stuff like that. But then there are always whole grain bread sandwiches you can pile with stuff like lettuce and other “sandwich veggies”. I don’t think it has to be just chicken with veggies on the side. Preparing all the food does take some time, which I hate when I’m feeling lazy, but in the end it does taste better. You could always prep veggies for a few days, all washed and sliced, and pop them in the fridge.

    I know, I’m the last one who should be giving advice on healthful food options, but still I think it could give you some extra energy maybe.

    But I’d still like to know why God or the Universe or whatever has made it so hard to lose weight for certain people. It doesn’t feel fair and unlike you I’ve not really ever been able to embrace my body. I feel like I’m waiting to start living until I lose the weight. It’s always “That’ll happen when I lose weight.” I feel like I’m wasting my life waiting for something I may never be able to achieve. That’s what makes me tired, that thought that things will never change so I ought to not even bother trying.

    Clearly I need my own blog to vent instead of bogarting yours. Sorry about that.

  3. Chelsea permalink
    August 1, 2011 2:23 pm

    For someone who talks a good game about acceptance, you sure aren’t shy about calling your husband a “bag of bones”. After all the work he’s put in and how proud he is of his very impressive accomplishment, I’m sure he really appreciates the buzzkill in the form of your derisive attitude. Your comments about him reek of sour grapes, and sound quite a bit like your mother who you make sound like a huge nag. Why not follow your own advice and just be happy for him? The only one making a big deal out of the disparity between you and your husband’s weight is you, presumably because it calls attention to your own perceived body image shortcomings.

    A suggestion, if I may. Don’t project your body insecurities on other people. And since it sounds like it hasn’t happened yet, stop worrying about all these imaginary women that you think “might” come out of the woodworks and start throwing themselves madly at your obviously married other half. If you trust him, and I would hope you do since you married him, why should there be any cause for concern?

    • August 1, 2011 2:29 pm

      A point – you have one, re: the “bag of bones” comment. I had yet to think about “reverse” bad body talk at that point. I wasn’t the only one making a big deal out of the disparity, though. If that were true, I would never have written a thing. The rest of this (re: imaginary women) was definitely written before I’d ever actually had a talk about that with him. Luckily, we’re all straightened out on that end, thanks to talking and time. This was eight months ago, so if things hadn’t been discussed yet, I’d really be worrying.

    • August 1, 2011 2:47 pm

      I’d also note that without being here, you don’t see a lot of what really goes on…at the moment, I’m actually really worried about him, since some of his activities have gone…a little too far. For instance, he’ll have four containers of sugar-free Jell-O for breakfast sometimes. Or eat at least four servings of chips (and count them out meticulously). Some of his behaviors are reminiscent of an eating disorder (since it doesn’t have to be anorexia or bulimia to be a disorder), so I’ve contacted his nutritionist to see if she can talk to him about it, because I do hate being that nag sometimes, and there’s only so many nights I can cry over it, you know? I’ve been proud of him and will continue to be proud, and maybe a little jealous, too. I’ve never had the same kind of willpower when it comes to anything, even leaving weight loss completely out of it. But seeing the way he is now, the way he eats, the way he barely touches food that I make, even if it’s made with good stuff in a healthy way…it does almost feel like the pats on the back, the “OMG you’re so awesome”s, and any other similar treatment is just encouraging his obsessive mannerisms. I’m worried, my mother the horrible, evil nag is worried, and his mom is worried, too. The difference between us and everyone else being that we see how he eats in real life, and not just through how he portrays it in words.

      And to bring another thing out of the closet, he had to earn my trust back following incidents that occurred before he even started his journey. So yeah, I had cause for concern at the time.

      Thanks for your comments and suggestions, Chelsea.

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